July 3rd, 2006


day: shot.

ah there's nothing like waiting all morning in an overextended, understaffed public health facility for a simple blood draw that itself takes about a minute to make you feel inspired to be productive with the rest of your day.

it's an odd thing, and somewhat new in that I think I developed this in just the last couple of years, but if I don't have anything done by noon it is really really difficult for me to get started on something. I can't explain this exactly, but to me a day is like a hit of speed: you get up, you feel great, you get moving on something, you begin to lose energy so you take a cup of coffee and you get going again for a little while and you do this cycle a few times and the whole time you are thinking to yourself "I don't want to come down. I don't want to come down. am I coming down yet? I don't want to come down" until it's 3pm, you're unquestionably down, and there's no more stuff that will get you back up there until you've had a good long rest. so after a period of intense depression, you start to mellow out and coast on in to bedtime anticipating another good hit in the morning.

actually this is not new at all. this is what life has been like for me as long as I can remember, except that coffee didn't become the great staver of crashes until age 21. until then, 11am was what 3pm is now. the reason it seems new is that I have relatively recently emerged from the young adulthood habit of staying up late and sleeping in, which didn't change the cycle and in fact made things worse because when 3pm arrives shortly after you've gotten out of bed, you spend most of your waking hours deploring afternoon. then around sundown you open a beer and nighttime is a blur.

I don't do the beer part anymore and I am a happier person when I get up early under my own recognizance but afternoons still suck.

so here it is afternoon. what shall I do?
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    listless listless


what is tnt? why do we think that we comprehend what the destructiveness of x tons of tnt would be?

I only ask this because around this time of your in my neighborhood the young men seem to find small barrells of tnt and explode them in the middle of intersections at completely random intervals during the day and night.

that and I figure that tnt for most of us is something that came in an Acme box to Wile E Coyote and consisted of a few sticks and a fuse.

a rumbling sound in the distance causes me to wonder if they are leveling houses out by the beach.
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    shocked occasionally startled