July 29th, 2006


regularly scheduled programming

at my house, things went predictably this afternoon as I put my feet up to read stein and santiago came and slept on my legs and I did fall asleep but I managed to read about 20 pages first. given that it is a 1000-page book that is not very impressive and what sucks the most (or least) is that I'm really enjoying it and getting a better handle on it as a whole work this time through but I'd sure like to be able to read 100 pages a day. at first I was. I'm going to have to skip a whole bunch of it if I can't figure out a way to do that really really soon and I'd rather not skip because oddly every page seems important even though she says basically the same thing over and over.

tomorrow I'm going to skip my morning klonopin and see how much of it I can read. if I start flipping out I'll take half a one.

of course I was in my bedroom in the whiplash chair which made hitting full unconsciousness somewhat painful although I managed to tuck my chin down a couple of times. I don't know how many times I fell asleep and woke up again. you know how time enlarges when you are doing this sort of thing. I'm awake now and could try reading for another hour I suppose but I go to bed in like two hours and I do like to have some time in the evening to myself. in fact there are a couple other books I'm thinking of picking up. they're some I've already started so I wouldn't be adding to the deficit.

I also have new south park dvd's to watch but there's a whole political problem there in that if I don't use the living room dvd player I'll feel like I'm being unsociable and selfish but the living room dvd player is a little piece of annoying crap that goes to blue screen at dark scenes and alternates bright and dark color randomly. not that south park is particularly atmospheric. it is true that I don't usually experience the blue screen with animation. the bright-dark alternation is not as jarring as the blue screen. I tried to watch brokeback mountain out there but within five minutes it became clear that it was only going to show me about half the picture. I wonder if it's a parental control feature? should look on the back for hidden switches.

I could also try going to bed at an absurdly early time and see if I fare better tomorrow. I feel like a sleep addict--the more I do it, the more I want to do. soon I will be sleeping 23 hours a day. I think I'd need about an hour a day to eat and to take medications for instance and pee.

on the other hand if i were to go to bed at 8, I'd start waking up at 3, and then 4, and then 5, and then I'd drop into deep sleep just before my alarm went off at 6 and that would set the tone of the day: groggy and sleepy and unable to focus. there are things about my neurophysiology that I sort of like. this is not one of them. why they saw fit to put a marked anxiety disorder into a sleep-loving soul I do not know but it was not a good idea. the only drug that really really worked was speed. maybe I should be asking for amphetamine. it took away social anxiety and depression gave me the happy satisfied energy of a normal person. opiates do that too, but only for a period before they conk you out. although it is true that I can stay up all night on them before that happens.

mmm. self-medication.
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