August 10th, 2006



I sooooooo want to take today off. I haven't had a real day off in a couple of weeks I think. yeah I'm going on vacation soon but I'm taking work with me and since I don't really drink anymore I'll probably actually get some of it done. but there are things I cannot do like take every possible reading for the art institute class to decide on which ones to use.

on the other hand I have a week when I get back. I need also to go fill out HR paperwork at both schools but gods I don't want to do that today. it's going to be hot in my neighborhood and although neither school is in my neighborhood waiting for the bus will still involve to much time in the sun for me. there is fog, but it retreated quickly this morning. I'd have to look at a satellite photo to see where it is now. I can't see any at all from here.

I could perhaps work only half the day. I've been working full days lately. like 8 - 10 hours. I kid you not. and I'm not suicidal as a result which causes me to believe that there are only certain aspects of full time work that drive me into deep depression.

therapy was this morning at 9. I meant to tell her I would miss her while I was out of town but found it difficult to spit out so I didn't. yeah. I'm that squirrelly.

I should look at my list of things to do before leaving town. I am afraid I am forgetting something really important. but I'm also afraid to look at it to see how much more is left to do which will throw me into a deep funk.

yesterday I bought a bag of crackerjack (it doesn't come in boxes anymore??) and so far I've found like two peanuts in it. I've eaten about 4/5 of the bag. they are all waiting at the bottom. I can see them, but when I pour, only popcorn comes out.

this is how I start my workday. what other meaningless things can I tell you about? santiago has become a wake n bake kitty as he demands catnip immediately upon arising in the morning. I try to make him wait until at least 10am. I'm projecting, aren't I? I would like to know how catnip feels to them. I'm pretty sure he's smart enough to associate the catnip with the immediately following effects. I'm not so sure jackson is up to that level of abstract reasoning. I always give him a little as well and he's like why are you pushing this stuff on me all of a sudden. half the time he doesn't eat it or sniff it even. but I'm just trying to be fair. a really nice thing about catnip is the obligatory nap that follows. gives me time to get some work done before he starts knocking things off my shelves to communicate his demand that I chase him around.

which brings me to something I've always wondered: during kindergarten, how many of you actually fell asleep during naptime? I never did. I would try, but mostly lying there was the most boring thing I could imagine having to do. I'd count the holes in the ceiling tile and shit like that until told that I had to have my eyes closed. thank you, I would think, for making this time even more boring.

today I'd fall asleep. I need more coffee.
  • Current Mood
    apathetic apathetic

an hour off

I'm watching the progress bar on my dvd ripping software as it rips the doors into a file that I can put on my ipod for the plane ride. although I'm not sure I should be listening to "the end" while I fly. it's over two hours long and the flight itself is about an hour and a half so maybe "the end" won't play until we're back in touch with mother earth.

I had my first airplane anxiety dream of the season last night, as my family and I were about to take off from seattle to go somewhere but my klonopin had been misplaced and I couldn't find it anywhere not even in this very promising looking box with various kinds of pills in it all bearing imprints indecipherable to me or anyone else. it was suggested I make the flight to canada where apparently we were staying for a couple of days and phone my doctor for more pills from there but they didn't seem to get that even the shortest of flights is pure hell for me.

anyway I'll be talking to my nurse practitioner tomorrow about xanax which is what she suggested for acute 'breakthrough' anxiety which this will surely be.

I tremble. why do I put myself through this? why don't I buy a car and drive myself everywhere I want to go? of course the last time I rented a car and drove to seattle I viscerally 'got' that I was in greater danger on the interstate than I would have been in a plane.

when I am old I will never leave the house. I'll be like the people at the old folks' home on the simpsons: not allowing any unpleasant news from the outside in and not allowing myself out.

I seem to be able to walk without too much fear but it is a long walk to seattle. I ought to do it for charity or something that would pay enough for me to make the walk plus give a nice sum of money to some cause that would upset the current administration.

yeah it's going to take another two hours. bed for me.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy