January 12th, 2009

hat

On Vox: gods of hormonal lake are smiling upon me

sorry I've been reading a history of European Paganism and spirits of place take a front seat in much of it so I had to think of a place for the gods to inhabit who saw to it that my new vial of testosterone was delivered while I was sleeping today. I was really really really hoping it would be out there, just outside the front door because the box they put everything in does not fit through the slot (needles and syringes and vial) so I opened the door and my heart sank because it did not see it immediately because they had placed it leaning up against some flower pots that are hanging out in the corner of our doorway but then I saw it and I said "oh thank gods!"

I think the sleepy routine of the weekend had a lot to do with not having quite enough borrowed topical stuff to get me through with full daily doses so I am hoping that this means I will wake up a bit in, oh, about five hours or so. I can usually feel it fairly quickly when I am this low.

I did not make it to see the new psychiatrist this morning as I was just not ready to go out there and deal again yet. I think that a few extra days will not hurt in the grand scheme of things but I still feel bad but one thing I am trying to learn is how not to feel bad when I just cannot do those things that one might think should not be so hard to do. they are hard for me, after all. that's why I'm in this mess to begin with.

I see Nan tomorrow and will have to tell her of my failure of nerve but that is nothing new. it's only my projection of my own self-shaming that even causes me to believe that she will have any judgment at all but simply knowing that doesn't make it stop, you know? sometimes I think it would be nice if there were some microsurgical or other electrical engineering techniques for rewiring neural firing patterns.

but so anyway. I'm up. it's monday. I actually have work to do. coffee first. maybe that will make this damned headache go away.

Originally posted on eriktrips.vox.com