August 1st, 2009


early to bed

I seem to be more or less on eastern time the past couple of days, although yesterday I slept in my chair from 3-5am after thinking I was up. yesterday was not that great of a day and I don't know if it is because I really just hate being awake during the day now or if it had to do with other things, like being broke. I hate being broke. I wonder what the etymology of that word signifies--does it have to do with breaking the bank or is it that having no money in a culture that runs on money makes one feel a bit broken, like you don't know how to live life correctly?

the latter is true. I don't know how to live life correctly. and it's not that I care about correctness per se but it is not always easy being out of sync with most of the people around you. and by "people" I mean mainly those who share my culture. my friends/chosen family have some rhythms in common with me, but not all of them of course because I probably couldn't be friends with someone just like me. I mean, I like myself ok--except for those moments when I hate myself and want to die--but if I were to meet up with me we wouldn't know what to say to each other.

sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have an identical twin, though. so many of the twins that I have known have always gone everywhere and done everything together that it seems like that sort of built-in intimacy must be a nice thing to be able to rely on.

well anyway.

today is a day off but I'm not sure what that means. I might continue to clean here in a couple of hours when it is not ridiculously early to be moving stuff around. or I might drink coffee and play guitar all day. doesn't that sound nice? I recently bought myself a "java wand" which is like a maté bombilla except with a coffee filter on the end of it so it filters out coffee grounds. you pour hot water over a couple of tablespoons full of coffee and it tastes almost as good as Philz coffee but more importantly drains every single milligram of caffeine out of the beans and transfers it to your body, when used correctly.

it's really really good. in fact I'm going to go make myself some coffee right now.

it's steeping. or brewing I guess. whatever coffee does when you put it in a container with hot water. you supposedly can start drinking it right away and you can but of course I never do anything halfway--I want to make sure this coffee is the strongest it can possibly be. :)

after I've had a cup maybe I'll come back and talk some more. I woke up with a headache and peering at my bright laptop screen is not helping. I might should be reading a book instead. I've taken some ibuprofen so between that and the caffeine I should be able to tame the headache.

incidentally I recorded my headaches for a couple of months over on mycrocosm and it seems that I average around ten headaches a month. that's more than a person should have to put up with. I wonder if it is all due to the fact that I haven't had my eyes checked in ages. I can still get a discount at Berkeley's student clinic because I joined the Alumni Association in order to get a library card. once I have a little money after teaching starts I guess I should bite the bullet and get my bifocals.

ok I'm going to read you all for a little while. when the coffee hits I'm sure I'll think of something interesting to say. er, well, I'm sure I'll think of something to say. whether it will be interesting to anyone but me is anyone's guess.
  • Current Mood
    awake awake

nap attack

I think I've mentioned how coffee puts me to sleep if I am tired. well I guess I was not quite ready to be out of bed because that cup knocked me unconscious, right into REM sleep with dreams and everything. interestingly, perhaps, I woke up crouched with my feet up on the little cube that I keep under my desk as a foot rest. I was curled up into a ball, basically. that actually makes my back stretch out a little--maybe I should sleep in that position more often. no snoring. I can tell because I woke up without the dry mouth that comes from sleeping on my back with the mouth gaping open and undoubtedly emitting loud, frightening noises.

that is one thing that sleeping in my chair does: it keeps me able to breathe. I do think I have sleep apnea although I don't know how bad it is. I go to sleep on my side which works to keep my throat from closing, but I often roll over onto my back for some reason and when I do that I wake up with my mouth absolutely parched. sometimes I dream that I cannot catch my breath. and I may be doing the wakeup thing; I definitely wake up when I reach the lightest phase of sleep. it's like my sleep curve bumps up above consciousness at the light apex. one reason I remember all my dreams is that I often wake up right in the middle of one or, I guess, as it "ends" as far as my dreaming body is concerned. but I sometimes wake up with my earplugs pulled out or with my feet put back under the covers if it was warm when I went to bed, so I know I wake up without remembering it.

I don't know if Healthy San Francisco pays for sleep studies. I keep meaning to ask my doc about it although I don't want to have to use one of those machines. I don't even know if I could put one up on my loft but in any case I would take the mask right off in my sleep. anything that is slightly uncomfortable will not last long on my sleeping body. but maybe a mouthpiece would help. or strapping myself in the side-sleeping position. :)

I am going to risk another cup of coffee now. I think I've had enough sleep at this point. we'll see, I guess.
  • Current Mood
    awake awake, again