today I officially found out that Rhetoric is offering me zero funding next year. I don't know yet exactly why I did not get the block grant but teaching is a problem for more than just me. those of us who have taught several semesters are on a waiting list because those who have taught fewer get priority. I have to say though that I feel a little unwelcome. if they denied the block grant because they don't like my project then I don't really care because I'm not going to change what I'm doing but if I didn't get it because my career here is getting long in the tooth then I am going to be mad. it's not like it was my choice not to be able to do much work those three years in the middle.
then again they might not have offered it to me because I came in on two fellowships and thus am not at the top of the list for yet more money. I shouldn't take this too personally I guess but naturally my instinct is to do precisely that. the chip is still on the shoulder apparently.
but the federal government has once again agreed to loan me enough money to live on next year so even if I don't find teaching in another department I won't starve. at least not until I'm 70 and struggling to pay them back.
money's such a pain in the ass. I'm thinking I should try to figure out how to hawk my writing as it is the one thing I know how to do but no one ever got rich writing poetry and I haven't the imagination for novel-length fiction. in fact when I'm not writing theory the only thing I write about is myself. this might be narcissistic but really I'm just following the dictum to write what I know. all I know is that I'm an instance and my hope is that other instances will find that interesting.
maybe i should revert to the plan to be a rock star.