Erik (eriktrips) wrote,

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conversation fear

soon i must wash my face and put on my party clothes. i don't know quite what to wear to this party but no doubt it will include black pants. i guess really the only question ever is what color shirt to wear. i have only one pair of party shoes and they are also my everyday shoes as the only other shoes i own are hiking boots and sneakers plus a couple of pairs of docs that i never wear anymore.

i am not at all sure about this party. when i first moved here i threw myself into the parties that were taking place all around me in order to get to know some people and then something catastrophic happened and i no longer felt like i was part of that group which i had come to know. in the last couple of years i have turned back into Erik the recluse and probably most of the people at this party don't even know about the catastrophe and don't know that i think i don't belong and would be happy to include me again and they probably think that i am just a quiet reclusive sort which is true but my reclusiveness has come to reverberate in a sort of feedback loop where the less i see people the less i think people want to see me so i see them less and so i think and you can see where this goes.

so occasionally i commit myself to a party like this one and i go and everything generally goes just fine. i just have to fret a little first.

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