it strikes me that I've never noticed my body getting bigger. of course it stopped getting bigger some time ago but it seems that I have always looked down at knees of the same size and hands of the same size and feet and most of being alive has meant looking at these things and for a long while they were always getting bigger.
all I can remember is the surgeon looking over me masked and the nurses looking over me masked and everyone looking at me as though to say this won't hurt a bit and then I don't remember anything more. no matter how hard I try I can't penetrate this one stretch of time that nonetheless I lived through.
it is for this reason that I don't particularly fear death anymore. it didn't hurt a bit and anesthesia is not like sleep. it is both something more and something less.
Jim's last lecture is Friday afternoon. it is a good thing I came up when I did.