Erik (eriktrips) wrote,

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who was damocles anyway

after taking yesterday off, which was against the rules but I did it anyway, I felt terribly guilty just because it was against the rules so after waking up every three hours last night to see if it was time to get up yet (imagine having Bart and Lisa Simpson chanting into your ear all night: arewethereyet arewethereyet arewethereyet) and finally waking at 5:55am and thinking damn only five minutes till the alarm goes off I wonder if I can milk snooze for an additional ten minutes of sleep and mainlining about a quart of coffee and figuring out what to say in class and then teaching and forgetting half of what I wanted to say because I still have that kind of stage fright in which you totally lose your head even though your notes are there in front of you on the table you think to yourself I'm dying up here they're terribly bored and I can't believe I am subjecting them to this and certainly they are going to exhale a tremendous collective yawn at the next question I wrote down so let's ad lib instead and talking to a couple of students about papers and afterwards realizing that I was so sleepy there was no way I could do any writing so instead I learned how to use EndNote with Word X which was kind of fun but also kind of frightening in the way it will do things to all of your citations at once at the stroke of a mouse button and I'm having nightmarish visions of hitting the wrong button at the wrong time only hours before I file the whole dissertation but that is in the future so in the meantime I have to decide if I want to trust this software to keep things in order

anyway so after that I woke up just a little and was feeling so immeasurably and inconsolably guilty that I forced myself to open my chapter file and write one sentence. five sentences and one well-integrated quotation later the guilt miraculously vanished.

I'm not sure I can take two years of this.

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