it's not just that Santiago is furiously darting from one noisy occupation to the next although that does not help (let's see. kick the cardboard box against the wall repeatedly! no that's not noisy enough! attack the crinkly plastic bag! bat the hard plastic ball with bell across the hardwood floor! gallop up and down the hall! traverse the window blinds! etc!) but it seems that I am intent on slowly shifting my hours so that I am awake all night and sleeping all day. I guess this is ok as long as I'm still getting things done but it will make it more difficult to go shopping. or to go out shopping I should say. I would still have to find a way to be awake for the ups man though.
if I'm up till dawn I wonder how long I'll sleep.
the webcam seems mostly to have regained its focus. I jiggled the cable. I have no idea if this helped.
I'm afraid tonight's insomniac narrative is going to be none too eloquent since although the body is up and ready to go the brain has shut down for the evening. I could learn dreamweaver. I have a book and it is not so difficult to understand that being half conscious would be of much hindrance. one of my committee members knows of a possible student research position that requires web design experience which I have already but I'm thinking the more I know the better I will look on paper. no one is impressed with those who hand-code.
and I need the job. have I mentioned how I'm not sure how I'm paying the rent after October? have I mentioned the increase in tuition and the decrease in funding? have I mentioned that looming on the horizon I see the end of the long shopping spree that grad school has been? I've got to figure out a way to make a living.
before attempting sleep I purchased a few backissues of Too Much Coffee Man magazine and thought for a moment that I should start a zine. there are of course too many zines already but maybe I could work from the unique angle of queer transsexual music and literature geek. as in the rest of my work I could make everyone think I'm going to rant about gender and politics and then not do that at all.
not that this has anything to do with making a living but it does have to do with amusing myself and generally I am much better at amusing myself than at making a living and it has taken me most of my adult life to be ok with that. I mean I have finally come to the conclusion that I am not selfish and lazy but that I simply don't have the constitution to put in 40 hours according to any schedule but my own highly idiosyncratic one. and I don't have the instincts for parlaying self-amusement into income as some do. is this my fault? I think not.
I should either learn grantwriting or make myself indispensable to someone who knows how to locate and coerce capital.
I guess. I mean I don't really care about money and I do care deeply about amusing myself but there are the practicalities like impending bankruptcy to consider.
yeah this is a pedestrian post. sorry I can't get it up this evening.