Erik (eriktrips) wrote,

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life without

today a spanish-speaking-sounding lady called me to tell me there was a black and white cat hanging around the gas station at 17th and Van Ness and that if I came by around 9 - 9:30 I'd probably see him so I went down there and as though he had an appointment the cat was right there waiting for me behind a chainlink fence. it wasn't Santiago and he ran when I got close but I was touched by the punctuality.

while I was looking at the cat a slightly broken down woman who looked older than she probably was came up to me and asked me for the time and if I lived around there and what was I doing so I told her I lost my cat and this one had been pointed out to me and she said not your cat huh and I said no. she said you aren't looking for a date are you and I said no. she shrugged and walked off.

it's an interesting neighborhood.

I walked back to the house up Capp St which is the intermediate street between the main thoroughfares of Mission and Van Ness. I peered into shadows and squeaked. no reply. I fully expected to be asked about more dates but oddly Capp St doesn't seem to be the hooker mecca it once was. or maybe that one lady is the only one working on a Monday night.

as far as I can tell no one has eaten any of the fish-flavored cat food I put out in strategic places in the courtyard. I waver between wondering where in the hell he could have gone and marveling at the thousands of places a cat could hide on this block alone. there are alleys behind locked gates and driveways that disappear around corners of buildings and planters and windowboxes and ventilation shafts.

some functionary from the dept of public works called and left a message saying it was important that I call him back but he said he was an officer from the dept of public works so I was skeptical but called anyway because you never know and he said did you lose a cat and I said yes still skeptical and he said you need to take down all the flyers you put up on Mission St and I said thanks a lot and hung up. he called me back for some reason thinking I would pick up the phone I guess but of course I didn't. most of the flyers on Mission St have already been ripped down or postered over so what the fuck ever. if the dept of public works wants them all down they're going to have to do it themselves. what is it about west coast towns and phone pole flyering?

I should get Karl Krogstadt to put up my lost cat flyers. whatever happened to him. I just googled him to see if I spelled his name right and no self-promoting sites came up so I have to assume he has not yet tried to harness the power of the internet.

I don't understand how it is we are supposed to go on after loss. I mean we do, most of us, but I find myself demanding of the universe just what is so adaptationally advantageous about the tendency to form attachments that are invariably broken by intervening fate. or rather what is the evolutionary point of feeling pain when fate intervenes that way.

oh it's a complicated picture and I imagine there are ways to figure it such that the pain pays off in ways that might not even seem related at first or it may be that paying off is not something life is really accustomed to doing but rather just continuing and if we suffer it does not matter so much as long as life continues.

so long as Santiago isn't suffering I can put up with all this. I wonder where he is.

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