by the last period of sitting my legs were in open revolt and I was too tired to continue with the sitting up straight but I battled my way through to the end. this was a "beginners" sitting and was less demanding than a real sitting in that it didn't start at 5:30am and it didn't continue after dinner time. I don't see how these monks can get up in time to meditate at 5:30 and then stay awake past 7pm.
it did keep me calm all day and I wrote tomorrow's lecturette during the lunch break so I am all ready for tomorrow except that I want to type in today's notes in order not to have to flip back and forth in my paper notepad while speaking. I will do that in the morning when I get up at 5:30 myself.
after leaving I found myself suddenly panicking so took half a klonopin to see if it would help and it has had some effect in that I'm not obsessing about standing up there and suddenly losing all ability to think straight. it's no longer a worry that I don't know the material or that I'm not qualified to teach it but rather that anxiety itself will make functioning impossible at the crucial moment. anxiety about anxiety. you know how that goes. if I could rid myself of this I would be instantly transported to nirvana.
I like walking meditation. it only goes on for ten minutes at a time and I could do hours of it. I think. more than I could sit for hours at least.
will go to bed very soon.
one day I might just go and be a monk for real.