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thank you sir may I have another

I think since my mood seems to be relenting from yesterday's hate-o-thon I'm going to take one last day to myself today and do some things that feel nice. tomorrow the race to the end of the semester will begin but I'd just like one day to chill out and not have to deal with my compulsions and obsessions. since that wasn't yesterday, it will have to be today. my moods are orgies of self-punishment. that's what really sucks about them.

I just deleted a meaningless paragraph about a dream that didn't inspire or frighten or move me in any way.

I could write my winter holiday letter today but that seems an unpleasant chore just now given that it involves contact with family. I think I will put it off a little longer. I like my extended family and they like me but I'm still afraid of them I think. part of me still wants to die when I'm around them and I imagine it has to do with their association with my parents. but so to think about communicating with any of them is not going to help me remain stabily un-pissed off.

I think I will go read about art. when I'm done with that I will try getting back into God is a verb, a book on kabbalah that I started maybe a year ago and have not finished yet. at this point I think I will have to reread a fair amount to see where we are now. with luck this guy won't say anything triggering.

I fear though that reading will put me to sleep. I fell asleep in my chair last night around 9pm and did not rouse myself sufficiently to get up and go to bed until 11:30. I set my alarm for 7:30 thinking that I'd already gotten a couple of hours of sleep but I guess chair sleep is not all that satisfying as I can feel a deep nap coming on. well maybe I'll go out to the livingroom, read, and nap in the chair again.

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