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isn't it interesting how the way things really are never match up with any of the ways you have them played out in your head.

ever.

I wish I could keep this in view but the pernicious voice is the one that says yeah but this time it really is the worst you could imagine. and for some reason it is really really difficult to answer that one back. what if it is the worst? what if the plane crashes? what if the rapture has happened?

well that one was easy to trace back.

I bought some soldering wire made variously of tin, lead and silver and I'm going to see tomorrow afternoon maybe what will melt it. I have a little soldering iron and I have a propane torch but the soldering iron you can use indoors whereas the torch frightens me a little. if I go outside to make art someone might see me. oh look. another reason to medicate my social anxiety.

right now I think I will go read about art and drink my nightly liter of fizzy water and see how long it takes before I nod off. I'm not ready to re-tackle buddhism again but might start up soon with some primary texts instead of popularized interpretations that invariably suck up to the common denominator of american society which no matter how you slice it ain't me. put me at the top, put me at the bottom, whatever. I don't fit in the middle.

what do you call someone who won't quit pursuing their calling even when they get pummeled regularly for the trouble? brave or stupid? I'm not sure how to put this without sounding arrogant but I sometimes wonder what it is like to be content and satisfied with dinner and the newspaper every evening and mowing the lawn on saturdays. or is anyone really content with that?

Comments

uberdyke
Dec. 15th, 2005 04:18 am (UTC)
maybe you could double yr dosage before you go outside?

ps. the answer is passionate and it's the way to go, i think. however, passion is a maddening combination of brave and stupid, so...


eriktrips
Dec. 15th, 2005 04:58 am (UTC)
oh how well I know the "stupid" portion of that formula. but still I keep going. at least the "really really stupid" places I've been have made me a little more alert not to go there again.

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