but yeah it gets dark and I get depressed. it's been this way since I was--well I don't know. 12? or earlier than that? I remember my stomach sinking with the sun when I was smaller, I think. is it any wonder that the speed and mda years were all lived after sunset? when the sun is gone..
it'd be a good night for tea if I hadn't sworn myself off it till next spring.
it was of course entirely within my power to have a different sort of holiday. I'm sure if I'd wanted to I could have found a way to pay for a ticket to seattle. on the other hand sandy is gone and someone has to take care of the animals and although she has friends who would probably look in on them if we were both gone I think I'd be too anxious about leaving them virtually alone for so long and anxious about new people taking care of them and not losing them and Jackson getting his pill and stuff and it would not be a pleasant way to be on vacation.
I was just in the middle of berating myself for voluntarily isolating myself this year but then remembered the responsibilities that sandy and I took on when we decided to fill the house with animals.
but one thing that occurred to me is that I also don't like to interrupt my routine and although I do love to travel I want to be able to choose my travel dates and not have them chosen for me by the calendar. of course I have to let them be chosen to an extent but there is leeway if I don't automatically go away on the precise holiday itself. and it's not because I'm selfish or lazy but because it makes me anxious to change things and it makes me anxious to leave things here and it takes a lot of preparation for me to be ok with it. that and I like to have loose ends taken care of but if I had gone away for xmas I would simply have gotten the grading done earlier. that I am being a little lazy with.
but still there is something about the fact that I'm willing to sit here alone on xmas eve rather than make plans that involved family. it seems that this pain is worth avoiding that pain and I don't know quite what to do about that pain given that it has to do not just with my immediate family, where the whole thing is rather obvious, but with my extended family as well, whom I do avoid even though they seem to accept me.
I remember when I was little always waiting agonizingly for the time to pass at my mother's mother's house so that we could go visit grandma Elsie at the ocean because there I could just be and play for hours by myself and make things out of driftwood and sand and rocks and stuff rather than have to interact with the seemingly hundreds of children who were vaguely related to me and who hung around Grandma Peoples' house in droves every single day. it would just get worse at actual reunions when families with children came from hundreds or thousands of miles away to join the throng already there. after a few days of this I would barely come out of grandma's office where no one else was allowed but I could go in there and be happy with paper and pens and pencils and books about various things that didn't always make sense to me but were usually interesting nonetheless.
there always seemed to me to be something desperate about the kids who hung out at grandma Peoples'. some of them were first cousins and some of them were more distant cousins and they had very little in the way of adult supervision or companionship and were a little wild in a way that not only frightened me for me but for them as well. I just never could comprehend life working out ok for any of them. as an adult having distanced myself from almost all of that side of the family I don't really know how most of them are now.
my cousins got married and had kids, many of whom were, like them and me, sexually abused by someone else in the family. there are very few of us who are consciously aware of the pattern and the problem seems so vast to me that I don't know where to begin to straighten things out. I don't even know what to do about the fact that my brother works in various children's ministries in his various churches--what do you do when you have no evidence except sporadic prior misconduct? the last I know about was 20 years ago and I have no idea if he's ever sought help or consciously disciplined himself or even if those two incidents I know of constitute an adult pattern. I don't know if any public institution would be in a position to keep tabs on him; I can't afford a private detective. hell, he's probably friends with half the police department there by now. he's sort of got a thing for people in uniform.
now we are far afield. my dad's side of the family is quite different and much smaller. there are five grandkids and none of us have had children and who knows if we ever will. I really don't know what things are like between the rest of them because I grew up so far away but I can't seem to break through my native reserve to get to know them very well now. on the one hand nothing seems to phase them but on the other hand nothing seems to phase them. it is good to know that you can do and say just about anything when they are around but a spark of sympathetic emotion would be a nice thing to see once in a while. I don't do well where there is no overt warmth and although they are not humorless and cold they aren't emotionally receptive.
I mean I didn't even know my dad very well while growing up and he lived in the same house as me. mom was the communicative vector into "my parents" and my dad pretty much let her voice whatever the rules and ruling emotions were to be. everything except the jokes were her territory. my dad was the funny guy but beyond that he was unfathomable. I still don't know him. I have no idea where his limits are or what motivates him or even how he ended up with the same religious bug as my mom or even if he ended up with the same religious bug. it's taken me some time away from home to understand that not every christian is the same as my mom. she was universal religion there for a while.
but so what his actual take on the whole thing is I haven't a clue except that he seems to believe. but what, exactly, I don't know. interestingly he gave up trying to stay in touch with me much more quickly than she did. that is, she hasn't given up yet whereas he seems to have. I feel bad for him in a way but I guess the one time he wished me ill because he didn't want to see me transition and I happened to be in the worst depressive crash of my life at that very moment has stuck with me to the extent that although I think he might potentially be able to accept me somewhat, I still don't quite know what to expect of him. I don't know if he meant it the way it sounded but it was the absolutely wrong thing to say right then.
well then. here we are. home alone for xmas eve but laying all that out is a little comforting to the extent that I don't think this is all my fault. I don't know though.