Erik (eriktrips) wrote,

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dissociation nation

who told me that white men were a particular way and that i would end up just like them if i did this. them. they spread death without glee but also without sorrow. as though death were them and as though death underwrote them and as though death made them possible and as though death were only everyday and unremarkable which in a way it is it is one thing that happens over and over again for the most part unnoticed yet permeating the course of things. life depends on it. we are all killers. why then not kill everything. or rather what difference would it make if we did well we would die along with everything but what difference would that make.

the tradition that brought me up only believes in the value of the life that comes after death making of this world an instrument for obtaining eternal life which can only begin with death. there is no word from the other side. one by one we disappear never to be heard from again. consequences what consequences or what do the consequences matter if for instance we were to wipe out entire species on our way to life after death. if all we can see living does not matter then the way of abundant life turns on death. without glee and without sorrow only with dull plodding through this annoyance of a life which exists only as object and obstacle. the earth serves man and man serves god who demands death of earth and man.

what i was born for. where this rule came from i do not know. what was i born for. as though being born anything was really that thing or that being taught a thing made one born that thing or born for that thing.

there are a million ways of figuring a thing. there are a million ways of figuring death for instance of figuring the relationship between life and death and the priority of the one over the other if there is a priority if they are not entangled with each other such that neither comes out on top. see that is one way of figuring it. it could be figured differently and as convincingly and has been and millions have been convinced and the figuring goes on and will go on and will be something different one day one day someone else will be locked in battle with some other way of figuring but always always the figuring and always life and death. while i am alive i figure but when do i decide to stop figuring and die or when do i decide to stop figuring and start killing or would it be more true to do so or was i born to do so.

well i don't want to do so but what does that mean and what is its strength in the face of unreasoning compulsion. or is it a matter of one unreasoning compulsion against another. once upon a time i thought i was on top of it all or that it all bore me along towards being alive while i was alive and now i wonder.

imagine yourself colonized and now imagine yourself having to decide what the populations want. imagine yourself colonized so long ago that no one remembers who the original inhabitants were.

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