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it has just occurred to me the last couple of days that I spend most of my waking life worrying that my mood will go south in the afternoon and thinking of various ways to fend off the crash which always seems inevitable in one way or another.

I don't know if this little insight is worth anything but it might explain why so many afternoons do go south, if I am constantly anticipating that very thing.

there are times when I'd like to be almost anyone but me. I've dreaded every afternoon of my life since I can remember. that first cup of coffee in the morning marks the beginning of the long decline and as enjoyable as it is it doesn't make up for the abiding angst that builds after the first half hour of enjoying fresh consciousness.

I suppose it beats waking up in a panic but I really would like to know what it is like not to expect to feel lousy every single day.

it's not just coffee crash. it started long before my coffee habit.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 3rd, 2006 04:14 pm (UTC)
it's so odd that we have that experience at different times of the day. i know you explained to me once it was the difference between x and y or something.

Jan. 3rd, 2006 05:43 pm (UTC)
well, They say that depression that improves as the day goes on tends to be exogenous, i.e., environmentally caused, whereas depression that gets worse as the day goes on tends to be endogenous, the sort you are born with.

I don't have any idea if this is really true or if They still think this is so. I read it more than twenty years ago.
Jan. 3rd, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC)
As many of your posts as I've read, I didn't know afternoons were that difficult for you. I just thought, "wow, that Erik sure is master of the mood-calibrating technologies."

I'll be interested to know whether you decide anticipating really causes it. I have another friend who's very involved in moment-to-moment mood managing, and to me it seems like an admirable set of skills.

Anyway. Sorry you expect to feel lousy.
Jan. 4th, 2006 03:43 am (UTC)
wow, that Erik sure is master of the mood-calibrating technologies.

I find it oddly amusing that this is how it looks from out there. I have been working on my technique for about 35 years now--I guess it's paying off!

I think it may be as simple as it getting worse as I get older at the same time that it gets better. I understand it more now, and have ways of dealing with it that I didn't used to have, but at the same time the sheer repetition starts to wear, and yes I think the anticipation at least makes it harder to put up with. I mean it's bad enough to be in a lousy mood most afternoons, but to know you will be is enough either to drive you to distraction trying to avoid it or to tempt you into just wallowing every day at 3pm sharp.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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