well I can't think of a worse way to spend a sunday than flying back east to make arrangements for your mother's funeral and burial. especially when it is such a sudden thing--her mother just started feeling sick in the last week--she thought pneumonia but we were a little sceptical--and had been in the hospital for like a day and then they released her thinking all was well and then she just died.

I have to say I'd be on the plane with them if they needed me but I'm glad not to be all the same. I don't know. I keep thinking I should go but I'm not lisa's partner anymore but I am sort of family insofar as I'm the ex who never really went all the way out the door. but going would cost more money than I can afford and more time than I really have and would be very stressful socially but I know when something like this happens you just do what you have to do.

I did tell lisa that if she decided she needed me there then I'd find a way to get there. I just don't know if that's enough. perhaps I will ask after they land tonight.

in the meantime I suppose work is the best thing to do. sitting here thinking about death is not useful. I do have candles going and when this pillar is used up I'll go get more. about all I know to do is to make a little light where possible and see if that influences the universe in any way.

lousy day. I wish I knew what to do.