Erik (eriktrips) wrote,

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not really a surprise

Your Social Dysfunction:

You display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic.

Take this quiz at

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

The interesting thing is that I was diagnosed as schizoid by my first therapist ever. my current therapist finds this incredible, but I was so inarticulate at 19 that I would sit and stare at my therapist's chair for minutes at a time, utterly unable to answer his questions. even the general ones: is there something wrong?...... yes. what's wrong?.................. I dunno. well what does it feel like? .......................... I dunno. what does it have to do with?....................................... I dunno.

that was it. it's a wonder I could say that much: I didn't understand human connection in the slightest way and except for that part of me that didn't get much older than 7 or 8 and was always searching for a parent figure to save me I felt no impulse to let anyone else in. I mean I seriously had no idea it was even possible to feel an emotional connection that wasn't an abject yearning for rescue, and even that was a very choosy drive, only attaching itself to one person at a time and wanting the impossible from them without knowing how to tell them what I wanted or even how to indicate that I wanted anything at all.

I certainly had no clue that one could incrementally get enough support not to need rescuing anymore. it didn't strike me as possible to love anyone but the person from whom you were seeking lifesaving measures and more unfortunately than that it didn't strike me as possible to articulate what it was I was seeking even then. I had no name for it and no recollection of what it might have been or if I had had it before. all I knew was that there was a black hole of need inside which had absolutely no way of contacting the outside.

there were times I wished I heard voices just so I could manifest some blatant sign of insanity. as it was I was very reasonably crazy.

it's just becoming clear to me why my current therapist thinks I was a psychotic break waiting to happen. I haven't understood this very well until relatively recently.

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