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talking in my sleep

I just sat and wrote two and a half pages without really meaning to. I found a segue and am off into the land of restlessness for the disappropriated Levinasian subject, I think.

when I write I often find myself saying what it is I am going to say even though after saying it that first predictive time I don't really need to repeat it. but it always seems like what is about to happen in my narrative is always about to happen and never actually does occur in such a way that I can say oh there it is and there it was and that's the end of it so now you know. everything is in the future in what I write which makes sense to the degree that the sense of what I'm writing always needs further explication and that bringing the thing to a close necessarily means leaving it incomplete.

I mean in some ways that's the whole point.

I might throw that in there somewhere. it's true and it leaves me with the feeling of having written 130 pages without explaining a goddamned thing. well what can you do.

I guess I get to feel good about myself today then. I should shower now and head over to berkeley with insurance claims and see if I can track down Felipe whom I have not seen in several months of sundays. he gets big props in my acknowledgments section for fronting for me while I could not actually work. I won't put it just like that though.

on the other hand I could stay here and fiddle more with the php and go to berkeley tomorrow when I actually have a whole day to make the trip and come back. today I have therapy at 3:30 so I'd have to watch the clock over there and probably would not get much else done really. if I went tomorrow I could work on the website this afternoon here and tomorrow over there.

I'm still finding the klonopin too conducive and difficult to ration. I need to talk to my nurse practitioner who does the bupe maintenance before I see my psych next monday. I want to know if she'd do a daily klonopin regimen and if so what she would do about tolerance and dependence and breakthrough panic attacks like catherine said she had when she was taking it regularly. it's a shame that when things work really well there are all sorts of reasons why you can't rely upon them.

I promise I will shower today. maybe just not quite yet. I should move into the other room by the heater till I am warm enough to take my clothes off.

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