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cabin fever

I have not left the house a single time today. I haven't even opened the door. I've only barely looked out the window mainly to see if it would be worthwhile to open the blinds to let the sun shine in the livingroom but there was no sun today or that is there was sun up there above the cloud layer that kept us from enjoying the full effect of sunbeams on our daybeds so I did not go to great lengths to open the blinds more than the few inches necessary to give the cats room to keep an eye on the courtyard.

I did make some gestures towards productive work but actual productive work I did very little but the gestures themselves were necessary so it's not that I wasted time so much as I ran out of time.

but so now it is night and I did see sandy for a few minutes this morning but otherwise I've seen no one and conversed only online which is considerably important and consequential but still not like seeing someone look back at you when you speak which I can't say what there is about that that is important but it is and I don't really understand why but they tell me it has to do with being a social species which likewise I do not always fully comprehend.

I think I spent most of my childhood feeling as though I were a high-tension wire all wound upon itself and that I had no idea how to modulate it's voltages so that they could be expressed in an intelligible fashion without electrocuting us all. I did not know how to say what I so badly wanted to say and I was not even sure that what wanted to be said could be said properly speaking so I did not open my mouth with it but quietly spun around in little spiraling circles convinced that they were the mark of an alien presence whose language we could not know but whose thoughts were the driving force behind every illegible act. for years there simply were no words. or not simply: for years there was too much to say for the halting speech I had picked up and so speech itself was obliterated in the onslaught of a saying that could neither stop itself nor begin.

I will say this and that is it has taken years of intense study to be able to say any of this at all.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
daisydumont
Jan. 31st, 2006 01:26 pm (UTC)
i like a day when i don't go out, like that. too many in a row make me cranky, but once in a while, it's just the thing.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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