meditating under the influence of klonopin is a very interesting thing. as your mind wanders, as it will in meditation because the point isn't so much to keep it from wandering as it is actually to keep it wandering rather than sitting with any particular theme for too long and always coming back to the breath when some train of thought kidnaps you and takes you off in one direction too far but as your mind wanders you begin to see your place in all these intricate hierarchies and schemes only when you bring yourself back to your breath you realize that the hierarchies and schemes themselves don't exist yet and you were only thinking about, say, The Five, without there being The Five Anything in particular. they could be principles, blessings, levels of hell, whatever--you know your place in relation to them like a private revelation and then that to which you've been placed in relation vanishes without so much as an image to hang yourself on but only odd words like "already" or "remember." especially "remember" and especially when there is nothing to remember.

it's like finding your place in the universe only to notice that the universe hasn't been thought up just yet. in some way this seems entirely appropriate. it's like having visions that are even less substantial or narratable than dreams: or more like having memories of visions already so dim that full consciousness cannot even begin to capture the bare outline of them. but in the moment they are immensely satisfying. I wish there were some better way to describe them but they absolutely flee from the mind's eye.

I guess then it is more like finding your place in a universe that flickered out so long ago that you just saw the last disintegrating silver print at the moment it turned to dust and for some reason you immediately forgot everything about it but the dust itself.