I'm not sure exactly what it is I am afraid of in instances like this. that I will suddenly realize that I am completely wrong in my interpretations and will have to throw out the whole dissertation seems a large part of the fear. that I won't find what I thought I saw written there is another. in essence I seem to be afraid that whatever was there before won't be there anymore, as though the text could metamorphose into something so different from what I thought I had seen before that the whole pretext for my project would be completely demolished.
I guess that's a pretty hefty fear. I can't think of anything in experience that has prefigured this. I have picked up books that I thought were going to be one thing and turned out to be completely aggravating or annoying or even triggering, but I have yet to see a single text that I had already decided I liked turn into something I could no longer handle. no longer understand, yes. maybe that's the real fear. it doesn't seem like it though; it's been a while since theoretical texts were opaque to my poor hounded psyche. I really think that I'm going to open up Levinas to see that my reading of him is impossibly superficial and completely off topic and missing the entire point.
I suppose, though, given the "experimental" nature of my dissertation prose, I could stop in the middle and say no wait. forget all you just read.
actually I'd kind of like to write a theoretical text like that, one in which I seriously had to take back everything I'd said in the first 150 pages, just to see its effects on the reader. I could predict its effects upon me.