• Mood: indescribable

comedown

I think I'm still trying to recover from commencement. the moment in and of itself was anticlimactic, but the leadup and the follow-through were quite wearing I have to say. not that it wasn't wonderful to have everyone around--it was, but the glaring absence of my parents made the whole thing, I don't know, just feel odd. graduation is when your parents make a big deal out of things so when they were missing it was like commencement was just for play.

of course, there is no pleasing me: my undergrad commencement was a big yawn because I spent the aftermath with my parents. fortunately lisagail was there so someone who actually had some idea of what I was up to was able to really join me in celebrating.

my deepest thanks go to everyone who made it to commencement and/or dinner--commencement itself was far more engaging than I thought it would be whereas dinner was a little quirkier even than expected from the citysearch reviews. and no one mentioned they had no pouring license of any kind so I apologize to my friends who like to drink. at least we can't deny that the food was very very good. next time we bring a twelve-pack and a flask. if you didn't notice, our waitperson said people could bring their own liquor.

so commencement itself was like that for which you've waited your entire life and once it happens the moment itself completely escapes. I did have one shiver of chills as the scratchy recording of pomp and circumstance played and I took a look down the aisle we were about to march down. the phd students sat up on stage with the faculty and so we couldn't really poke each other and laugh. my friend sarah and I started the fashion of no hat wearing so none of us wore a cap of any kind. a couple of faculty had tams but most of them wore no headgear either so we all looked consistent at any rate.

I did not fall down and I did not poke judith in the eye and I did not flail around but I shook her hand and smiled although I wanted to hug her but no one else had and I wasn't about to go out on a social limb. that was that and then the undergrads got to march across the stage and have their names read out plus any little message they wanted. I felt cheated because the phd students did not get to insert any messages into the monologue. I'd have said 'thanks lisa. this was a good idea.' I suppose we were supposed to be more dignified than the undergrads.

in some ways I was disappointed because whereas the UW commencement focused on graduate students this one seemed focused on the undergrads so I kind of feel like I never did get my time in the spotlight. I'd have liked a chance to thank a few people. I guess that's what cards are for.

I did feel a little like wearing a sign that said 'my loser parents did not show up. pity me.' but I did not. I think I am having some difficulty getting over this, even though my particular parents are not my favorite people and wouldn't have been my first choice for parents. but generically speaking, I felt a little underprivileged that no parents were there for me.

I dunno. it's hard to explain when what it is like when a basic social expectation goes unmet by the parties conventionally involved. I mean it would be one thing if I didn't have parents or they were dead or whatever but mine are alive and well and chose not to come.

on the positive side of accounts, max gave me a copy of his book and my aunt took a look at it and said she would buy a copy. go aunt. I guess every generation has those who are more or less adventurous in it.

so yeah. more therapy material. it never ends. my therapist has to outlive me.