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boy birthday

oh and not to try to outshine auditorium on her day, this is also a birthday of sorts for me: nine years ago today I got my first shot of T.

boy was I ever nervous. three days later I had a panic attack.

it was a rough start. but I'm so glad I did it I can't even begin to tell.


Jul. 1st, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC)
happy boy birthday! it's great that you're so glad about it. :)

(btw, i saw a photo of the fairy butch the other day, with black hair! and quite a different facial structure, i thought.)
Jul. 1st, 2006 06:24 pm (UTC)
yeah it's one of the things I told my parents in the Letter Which Might Not Ever Be Brought Up, that it's been about the best thing I've done for myself in my adult life. mom still hasn't written, but dad has, but no one's said anything about the letter. still I'd hope they'd take some comfort from that.

yes after fairy butch went off T, not a lot changed back. she even still has the fat distribution of a male: big belly, narrow hips. but maybe she was always built that way. I did not know of her 'before.' I don't really know her story at all, but the street gossip is that she had some sort of personal revelation on the eve of top surgery. I have no idea if that is anything like true, but it makes a good story.
Jul. 1st, 2006 06:30 pm (UTC)
i still wish, for your sake, they had managed to address the issues you wrote about directly. but even if they don't have what it takes to do that, i'm glad you wrote it all out. it was a good letter.

yes, that is a good story! i'm all for personal revelations. though sometimes they can be pretty wacky. *g*
Jul. 1st, 2006 06:50 pm (UTC)
oh yes let's hear it for personal revelations. like remembering at age 32 that you'd always thought of yourself as male.

it's not exactly that I forgot, but the possibility of transitioning was buried under a number of other more pressing psychological disturbances. once I had those a little more under control, this just sort of floated up from my unconscious. "oh yeah. I'm transsexual" I told my therapist one day.
Jul. 1st, 2006 06:59 pm (UTC)
is that really the way it happened? how amazing. was the therapist surprised, or did s/he already have a clue?
Jul. 1st, 2006 07:07 pm (UTC)
honestly, I don't remember how I brought it up. but it was somewhat out-of-nowhere. she had a copy of the utne reader in her waiting room and it was the issue with loren cameron's photographic portraits of ftm's and I think I carried it into the room and said something like guess what?

seeing the photos in that issue was an epiphany. I had no idea that hormones could work that well.

my therapist took it well, and although she was a little suprised it didn't take much effort for her to make sense of it. that's the way it's been with pretty much everyone I knew both before and after--they were all like, 'well you know? that makes perfect sense.' I guess I was pretty much a boy already.
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 1st, 2006 07:25 pm (UTC)
ah yes. once I knew this was right for me, I was like come ON let's GO. I did have some worries about what T would do to my personality, but having never had a drug-phobia before ;) I just figured if I didn't like it I'd stop.

suddenly a lot of stuff made sense and seeing loren's pictures was like being hit in the head with the possibility that what I had dreamed about for years was possible. I don't really know what made it seem so unreal to me before--other issues obscured this one so I didn't do any research--but immediately upon seeing the pics I recognized myself. that was the revelation.
Jul. 1st, 2006 08:24 pm (UTC)
Yes, when I met Lou in 1988, I knew. I saw him and thought, "Damn, if it works that well (T), then, OF COURSE I will do this!"

That's the value of having images out there, they speak volumes.

Congrats on your T-birthday! I also had some kind of intense panic reaction a da or so after the shot. I was just so excited! And, scared, and excited! It was a revelation and a complete trip.

We are just the "nervous" type I think.... : )

Yea, about Fairy Butch, she is pretty damn masculinized now, although I have noticed some change back. But, I guess it's true, that a lot of it is irreversible. I do think that is true about the revelation prior to top surgery, interesting. Well, better safe than sorry. Those don't grow back!

Jul. 1st, 2006 08:48 pm (UTC)
Well there's always the ftmtf transition!
Jul. 3rd, 2006 04:33 pm (UTC)
Weird, I also had an "oh yeah" moment after several years of not thinking about it. I wonder how common that is...

And I'm a bit late, but happy boy birthday!
Jul. 3rd, 2006 08:00 pm (UTC)
thanks! I think it might be fairly common for people of a 'certain age'--there were not a whole lot of available narratives for the way I felt about myself when I was 7 in 1969 in the deep south. that and getting hit with other traumas sort of just shoved it into the background.

I think younger and younger people are coming to recognize themselves as trans because there are more visible role models now. people really do need some sort of reflection to be able to make sense of themselves, it seems.


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