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yeah well this must be the final sign

shit I ain't goin.

I'm going to bed here in a minute and someone else is going to have to touch richard butler for me. I'm just not in the mood to stand in some loud crowded club for 3-5 hours, you know? it hurts the feet and the legs and the back and of course the ears but I never worried much about them having played several shows at the vogue with hearing basically intact (you thought it was loud in the audience. ha. onstage it was a blaring wall of multicolored roar).

I'd love it if he came over here for a cup of coffee for a little while before going onstage but that is less likely to happen than my going over there.

are those days over? will patti be the last musical artist I see who isn't playing in an orchestra in a hall where I can sit down? I got the ticket for august. she has no opening acts so the time spent standing and waiting is not nearly as long.

something about this makes me sad. but I guess I do have other passions now. ones that allow me to sit for hours. and go to bed early.

I'm going to go mourn my youth now. you know that one night lying out on margie's roof giggling at the stars (you don't know it. I was out there by myself but I talked about it afterwards)? I thought it would never end.

well maybe it hasn't ended exactly. just shifted a bit. I still want to be rich and famous, if that counts for anything. I just feel a little more realistic about my chances.

maybe I'll try to learn something in the next hour and then go to bed.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 16th, 2007 02:39 pm (UTC)
giving up youth hurts. it really does, a whole lot. (the only concert i've been to since the Grass Roots in 1972 or so was joseph arthur in baltimore 5 years ago, and it permanently damaged my hearing. talk about a bummer.)

all i can figure out to do is try to acclimate to this advancing maturity. :/
Jul. 16th, 2007 03:30 pm (UTC)
yeah I'm trying to count up the things I still have to be excited about and they are different sorts of things than they used to be but I still want to learn one new thing everyday and I still find color to be unbeatably exciting but I just no longer feel that the road to the future is wide open and filled with possibilities, you know?

I mean, it still is. just different ones.

it would probably hurt less if I hadn't centered my life around music for so many years. not going to see bands is like giving up the dream, although I still have my guitars and recording software and equipment and at any moment I could take up songwriting again but I have so many other things going now that I don't know if or when I will ever get back to it.

those other things are exciting in their own way, and I stand a much greater chance of making a name for myself as a writer than as a musician especially since I actually know something about language whereas music has always been done completely by ear. I do know the names of basic chords but when I plink out a melody on the guitar I have no idea what key it is in or what the conventional options are for the next line or anything.

writing is very different. I teach writing. I could never teach anyone to play guitar the way I play guitar.

but music saved my life, you see. it is as though I owe it something I cannot pay back. maybe everyone has someone or something like that to whom or what they owe everything but can give very little. maybe I should write letters to all my 80s punk rock stars and tell them that what they did actually saved one life if not more. there were a lot of us holding onto it like a life raft for quite some time there.

but then it wasn't just music but the thing which animates music and which turns out to animate the universe and although I haven't tracked it down yet I have at least learned why it cannot be tracked down and why it isn't an "it" and how it is that the tracking itself is the divine spark and how precariously we edge along between life and death at every moment.

that's something. I mean it was sort of what I was after but I was going about it through means that I still miss being able to utilize. certain drugs, even. I've had to find other means, for the most part. because as a process it never stops and if you try to sit still (even though you can sense it by sitting very very still) you miss the whole point. what I miss I think was the feeling that I was headed towards a great mystery at breakneck speed and now I find that I have to be more methodical because the organism itself is already not as strong as it used to be although in many ways it is much stronger.

I dunno. you see how I dunno?
Jul. 16th, 2007 06:09 pm (UTC)
I dont think youth ever has to end. I think it's an idiotic idea preached to us by men who, to quote Simon and Garfunkel, "Bowed and prayed to a neon god they made". Fuck it. Fuck them. And not in the healthy fun kind of way.
If you feel young, who's to say you're not??? =) I have found lately that being open to possibilities is extremely liberating, if nothing else. I hope you find your liberation, my old friend and compatriot. Be open...the possibilities might just surprise you. I hope they do. :::hugs::
Jul. 18th, 2007 05:02 pm (UTC)
well I'm definitely still open to many possibilities--it just seems that standing up for three hours through music you don't care about for a chance to touch an old pop idol is one that is dropping away. and the whole mania for seeing bands live--these days I think to myself 'I can just listen to the cd before I go to bed.'

back in the day I think I was waiting for a miracle of some kind to transport me up there to the stage and into the bodies of the musicians who got to play for a crowd. well, I've played for my crowds and although I'd do it again if I had an extra life to lead, it's no longer the dream. I guess I need to just put more effort into the replacement dreams.
Jul. 16th, 2007 06:23 pm (UTC)
I hear you. I don't have the relationship to music you have, but yeah, I'm trying to get used to advancing age, too. It is strange.
Jul. 17th, 2007 01:36 am (UTC)
i'm sorry you didn't go, but completely understand why. i can't remember the last time i went to see a band. and i don't even live in such a musical wasteland. it's kind of embarassing to keep missing shows of my favorites who do iike to play here. i've missed out on so much, not only in recent years, but when i was younger, too. i only went if i got dragged along, even if i ended up having fun.

even though music saved your life, you don't owe it anything, because it saved the lives of those who were making the music, too.
Jul. 18th, 2007 05:05 pm (UTC)
well that is true I suppose but I still feel like there are songs bubbling around in me but I just don't have the time to take them down. I need to hook up my little ipod mic so that I can hum melodies into it when they come to me randomly, which they often do. they didn't used to is the thing, and I wish I had more time to make things out of them but man I have a lot going on!
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


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