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so now that social websites all feed into one another and I've linked my lj to facebook and tribe.net and I might go on and see where else I can whore myself to the internet, I've reset my client to post publicly and now will have to exercise some sort of discretion as to when to pull back into my little lj world alone. I mean, not alone, but, you know, in lj solely all by myself with all of you. I mean, not all of you, but--oh you know what I mean!

basically, the word is that if you really want to know me at my most freaked out and confused, you'll have to set up a livejournal account and pester me to add you to my friends list there. I do expect I'll have to keep certain things under wraps even though my life is an open book. wait till the autobiography comes out, I guess; then there will no longer be anyplace to hide.

I should finish writing it.

the sleep experiment is going very well in that when I let my body sleep whenever it wants my waking time is energetic and--get this--happy after 3pm--er, when awake at 3pm that is. it's the weirdest thing. my circadian day is somewhat unpredictable. I've had four 27.5-hour "days," a 21.5-hour day, and a 22.5-hour day, a "day" being counted as the start of one long sleep to the start of the next long sleep. it seems I like to sleep 6-7 hours, go back to bed about four hours later for 2-3 hours, then stay up for a varying length of time. the rest of the world siestas in the afternoon; I siesta in the morning, relative to when I wake up. I just got out of bed an hour ago. this was my latest nap yet. I don't know if I will be up till dawn tomorrow or what, but if I am still awake and have any energy at 5am I'm going to do laundry. I wonder if the families who do laundry on the way to church get there that early. probably not, eh?

the hardest part about this is getting things done that need to be done during business hours. right now, for instance, I need to get dressed and go get groceries. although rainbow grocery is open till 9pm, other places aren't--and who knows what else I might "need."

hm. what do I need. time to make a list. and have coffee. good morning!


( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 20th, 2008 12:33 am (UTC)
You need to be on linkedin too.
Jul. 20th, 2008 01:19 am (UTC)
yes I was actually thinking that myself. have to get out to the store before it closes though. this will be a good middle of the night activity.
Jul. 20th, 2008 02:54 am (UTC)
love the icon :)
I didn't pester you to be added to your friends: maybe you like straight forward people, as long as they are tucked away on the other side of the world :) I don't even have a mysterious life or secret and I cringe at linking to facebook - hell no! The divide between how work ppl and e-ppl perceive me should never be crossed. Mixing the public with the private, although harmless private will spoilt it entirely. Solipsism needs all the help it can get.

BTW I am sensing an alternative vibe here? May I share that my father was gay, and that I take on the role of faghag quite, how would you say, naturally ;) Please, correct me if I am wrong or set me straight, so to speak :)
Jul. 20th, 2008 03:44 am (UTC)
Re: love the icon :)
I only meant "pester" in the nicest way possible. :) you seemed to be acting in good will. there are people on this thing who couldn't get on my friends list if they offered to pay my rent for the rest of my life.. I think.. hm.

as far as alternative goes, I guess I'm about as alternative as you can get, except that I seem to be headed toward a relationship with mainstream Zen Buddhism, but that's only normal in California. before I became something between a gay man and an asexual masculine-leaning genderqueer I was a queer dyke musician in an industrial post-punk band. now I'm a poet and writer who is not yet published anywhere so still has to work for a living.

you're welcome to hang out here. I don't know if you consider yourself tranny-chasing at all but I don't have the problems with that that some ftms do--I mean, unless you start to be creepy, but somehow I don't see that happening.

hi. :)
Jul. 20th, 2008 12:49 pm (UTC)
Re: love the icon :)
What the hell is tranny chasing and who are ftms? I am nowhere near cool enough to speak this lingo?
Jul. 20th, 2008 05:23 pm (UTC)
Re: love the icon :)
ah. maybe Australian tv hasn't picked up on the existence of transsexuals yet. we're all over the news here. I'm a female-to-male (ftm) transsexual meaning I was female-bodied and some years ago decided to become male-bodied. I've identified as a "boy" since I was, like, three years old, but that varies for everyone.

"tranny-chaser" is a term that some people use for those who tend to be attracted to transsexuals and transsexual bodies, in various stages of transition. many are appreciative and respectful of the transsexuals in question, and therefore those to whom they are attracted don't feel fetishized. but some do obsess and fetishize what they perceive as "the transsexual experience" when there is no such monolithic entity, and those people have creeped some of us out so much that we are violently allergic to any mention of attraction towards us.

I try to take each ally or admirer for whatever attitudes s/he is expressing, so unlike some of my brothers and sisters, I'm not automatically creeped out by anyone who likes transsexuals. "tranny chaser" is sometimes used as a pejorative, but sometimes not.

does that make sense?
Jul. 20th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC)
Re: love the icon :)
Sounds complicated and yes, makes sense :)
Jul. 20th, 2008 01:49 am (UTC)
I saw you linking to LJ on Facebook and considered it myself for one micro-second. Then, I thought, NO WAY! It is bad enough I have people on my facebook who are from old jobs and who don't know I am trans, and who (in the case of one) I might want to recommend me to other positions in the world of paying work but -- why put all this shit out there to everyone and whoever! I mean, my LJ? And, I DO have an "autobiography" out there, the memoir (different but 'same" thing). It is nice to have some control, but that control over what goes out feels so slippery.

I have people on my linkedin, many many many who are from the boring work world of sales and technology, who have no idea I am trans or about my memoir. I think... They are now mixed in with trans people and their progessional non-profit jobs being trans people. Oh well...

Maybe no one will ever have a secret about anything ever again. We will all lift the covers and find we are all crazy or perverse, or unusual in some way underneath it all or - maybe, that is just "wishful" thinking.
Jul. 20th, 2008 03:34 am (UTC)
Maybe no one will ever have a secret about anything ever again. We will all lift the covers and find we are all crazy or perverse

I think that's sort of my idealistic goal in spreading (some) of my brand of perversity and insanity across the internet for any and all to see. somebody has to start the trend, after all. ;) I mean, one reason I'm even writing my autobiography is to illustrate how deeply true "there but for the grace of the gods.." is: anybody, anybody at all could have turned out as queer and nuts as I am. :) I'm as ordinary as joe at the machine shop. my stars just lined up a little differently.

I may be shooting myself in the foot in certain areas of my life but I'm such a committed INFP I feel somewhat driven to reveal all anyway. I have a child's faith that there will always be some way to work the system enough to get by somehow. of course it helps that I am planning never to try to live anywhere but in a big city or in the wilderness--there certainly are places where I would not feel safe with everyone knowing my business. but here, we're relatively free to be open. I do try to keep my physical coordinates somewhat vague to the wider world, and the further from urban areas I get the more secretive I become, but I know this still could all take a big chunk out of my ass at some point in the future.

and yet, to me, it's important to try to do. it might actually get me killed one day. but then no one's getting out alive, so..
Jul. 20th, 2008 05:11 am (UTC)
Oh, you know, I don't worry about being killed really, but about not ever getting hired again, HERE in SF. Mostly, people would not want to kill me for being a trans man, but they may not want to hire me and spend 40 hours a week around me and know I would be using their bathroom!

I seldom worry about being killed but when I do, I worry about the people who are in the bay area and angered by my memoir, wanting to do me in. I have worried about that at readings, about someone sneaking in a gun -- yes. I figure that is most likely never going to happen. But, some of those people who are angered by the memoir are pretty damn angry about it. And, these are not the right wing, if you know what I mean. I am not really in the sights of the right wing, although that could change. Those people don't really read Seal Press books. I guess?

We are pretty safe though overall here, no matter what. Revealing all, maybe that is a "John Lennon" strategy? I admired him a lot growing up, and you are close enough in age to share that. I remember that book, Lennon Remembers and how he was so open, and revealing -- and how he dared to shoot down people's most closely held beliefs about The Beatles and the 60's. I always wanted to be like that, open, brave, ruthlessly honest with a good bullshit detector.

Your reason to write your autobiography sounds like the best one of all -- share the insanity and percolate some more!!

Jul. 20th, 2008 07:25 am (UTC)
I think at the moment "famous transsexuals" are still under the radar for the right wing, although we are becoming more visible and so that might change. my main trepidations come when I am out in "middle america" and wonder what some of these people might do if they knew my secret. you know: Brandon Teena angst. that and growing up in the suburbs of the Bible Belt have made me really distrustful of rural-to-suburban areas. wilderness? not particularly afraid of that. unless it were a grizzly I think I could hold my own. and animals don't kill out of hate. fear, yes, but not hate.

anyway, yeah the urban west coast is pretty safe I think. I guess if I were thinking more in terms of some kind of long-term employment I might be a little more careful but I honestly don't think I'm going to be making many appearances in interview cattle calls for office work. computer geeks can pretty much be/look however they want, as long as they are in the background, which is where I prefer to be in the corporate world.

we'll see. life is unpredictable.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )


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